From Chicago to Moscow, the great minds in aviation have come up with a new process for boarding an aeroplane that is sure to stir up some trouble.
The airlines, which don’t have an alliance but both eat caviar on the weekends, have introduced a new airport boarding procedure with the help of Cirque du Soleil. The process involves passengers twirling like a ballet dancer, making animal noises, jumping over a rolling barrel, stepping through a clown car, taking an IQ test in three different languages and walking down the jetbridge via the reverse alphabetisation of each traveller’s grandmother’s name.
“We advise travellers to get to the airport at least three weeks in advance to complete all the tasks,” said United spokesman Ole Jimson.
“We would make that four weeks,” said Aeroflot’s spokesman.
Cirque du Soleil, which has consulted for many airlines during the last decade, most recently with Ryanair about serving hot meals, believes these new boarding procedures get passengers ready for the arduous task of sitting with their knees in their face for 12 hours in international economy.
“We can fit 18 international economy seats into our clown car, where previously there were only two,” said Cirque spokesman Bozo du Cloud. “We wanted to find a way to help passenger contort before boarding so they’re ready to contort after boarding.”
Airbus said it is studying the new boarding as a way to allow an increase in seat density to 34 seat across inside their new A360, up from the previous 11. “Better yet, we might as well just offer a plane with no seats. Who needs seats?”
Ryanair Emperor Likel O’Meary said he would charge passengers for twirling like a ballet dancer and jumping over a rolling barrel. “But animal noises? You can make those for free!”
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